


Whatever you feel like

by Juverworld



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Everyone Loves Niall, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Innocent Niall, M/M, Niall-centric, Post-One Direction, Recreational Drug Use, Secrets, Zayn never left though, Zayn-centric, kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-09 07:19:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8881000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juverworld/pseuds/Juverworld
Summary: "(..)Loving him, it was the easiest thing in my entire life. It's been easier than breathing, than thinking, than sleeping in after a rough week of complete exhaustion. Easy. He got me used to that... But now? This? - This - this shit is not fucking easy, okay?! Anything but easy, Louis, and I don't fucking know what to do!" "Oh stop it, you dick!" Louis yells then "You say it as if you were the only one who loves him." Or the one where everyone is a tiny bit in love with Niall, and Zayn is definitely the whole lot in love with him, but Niall's got a secret and maybe loving Niall won't be all that easy as they suspected after all.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is something that wouldn't leave my mind for a while now but it's kind of a draft for a longer story, that hasn't quite come together just yet and I dunno if I should properly get into it, bearing in mind I still have also something else to finish yet, so just let me know what do you think, please ;)
> 
> This fic is MOSTLY canon compliant, because let's say Zayn never left and there's no maybe real or maybe not Louis' baby for everyone's (my) peace.

He didn't know that. They've never been really touching this subject because it felt kinda wrong. They just moved on, put it all in the past, where it should be, but now, being all drunk, having again just lads' night, it is okay. It seems okay, yeah, because everybody is just too wasted to care anymore. And Niall isn't around anyway.  Family problem or something, but he´ll be alright and they have had enough to drink to not wonder where´s he actually gone to. It´s whatever now. And so they can talk. He thinks it's all kinda 'long forgotten' stuff though. Like recalling some memories that are just funny but don't matter anymore. So he sits and listens, finding it laughable, even though maybe it's not funny at all. Maybe it´s just the alcohol doing. 

"I remember the day we first met, you know?" Liam returns to the topic. "I was still thinking I was just a boring kid nobody would ever like, back then. It was the first day of high school and we were, what, fourteen? And he just - I don't know, he just popped up out there with an arm around my shoulder when I'd still been thinking how much I really didn't need anybody and stuff. I was so scared of chatting people up and they were all already chatting with somebody and I am fairly sure I would have just stood there like an idiot for the time being, waiting for the world to crash or something that kinda stupid if it wasn't for him. It was just so easy for him, like, popping up out of nowhere and sticking around as if somebody had invited him to (which I surely did not). But he was a very social kid from the very beginning. Has always been. And somehow over that year he managed to make me social enough to handle the world as well." he shrugs. 

"Ya, that's just that ridiculous ability of his, bringing people out of their shells. It was quite the same for me. I met him when he transferred from your school to mine." Harry responds. He's sipping on his beer thoughtfully, or at least it looks kinda thoughtful because his talking is so slow. But that's just Harry. "I wasn't that shy of a person as you, Li, but not exactly the most popular kid in the school either. And him? I dunno, one day he just came in with that large grin plastered to his cheerful face and it just all fell into place somehow. I had this big gay freakout at the time and he was the most supportive person in the whole world. He even let me kiss him! Like, he'd already figured out I've been madly in love with him, like, from the beginning actually and still." Harry smiles to himself while saying it. "And we were completely sober, not like the time you two kissed!" he adds pointing back at Liam. 

"Hey, that's not fair! I was too shy yet when I found out I had a crush on him, okay? Wouldn't be able to do anything without getting a little tipsy. But at least I wasn't smashed like Louis, yeah?" he argues defensively. 

"Wait, wait, wait!" Louis breaks in alarmed. "I was definitely not smashed, a'right? I was just.. well, maybe a bit more than tipsy, but that's just because I know how to party properly, okay? I was so confused, this hot girl in my lap and two others trying to hit on me and still, I couldn't take my eyes off of him, this guy.. God, he looked great. We'd been friends since that incident during lunch when I'd accidentally bumped into him with my food landing all over him and he hadn't even yelled at me. He'd just laughed loudly, saying I was lucky it wasn't his food cause he was really touchy about his meals and he would make me pay for it." 

"I see it is only me who hasn't actually kissed Niall just yet?" Zayn puts in finally, laughing. He seriously didn't know. But he could have suspected it. At the beginning, that is, he could. 

"No time like present, yeah?" Louis responds rising an eyebrow at him. "You should definitely try it when he comes back." and Zayn laughs again at that, as if the idea was funny in itself, but it is not, not really, and he thinks he will. 

"Do you guys remember how hard it was at the beginning though?" he says then. Because thinking of it, it is really weird he didn't suspect _that_ before. It's weird they only talk about it now. 

"Yeah, X-Factor, yeah... It has started really awful. I'm actually surprised it has worked out this far, like, we're here now." Louis takes on. 

"It wasn't all that bad after a few weeks actually" comments Harry. "All credit to Niall again, obviously." 

"Yeah, I was so angry with you lots back then! Especially with you, Louis, since you were the loudest one and it seemed to me it was most likely to happen, that he would pick you over me finally. That he would pick you in general." says Liam disbelievingly. 

"Well, he surely did not." Louis replies with a small shrug of his shoulders and maybe Zayn´s imagining things, because it´s already that time of the night, or maybe he really sounds a tad bit bitter admitting it out loud. 

"But you guys did look like you were gonna fight, that is." he says regardless and shakes his head with a laugh as the memory rolls through his mind, because he finds it absolutely hilarious right now. "You know, you all only knew Niall, and I wasn't even with you yet, but it seemed like fun to just watch you from afar, this ball of sunshine he was – he smiles fondly at that - and these idiots you were." Louis shot him a very unimpressed look, but Zayn doesn´t let it stop his story. "First was Liam. Actually, I was quite a creep staring at Niall that whole time when Liam came in." he says a bit embarrassed now. "He wasn't sure, coming slowly and then all happy and totally surprised when finding out indeed it was Niall right there. And then suddenly he was wrapped in Niall's arms all tangled up and stuff. It was adorable.. But then, there was Harry coming along, confused as to what Niall was doing in there and excusing them so he could get Liam lost or something. It looked as if he was about to steal Niall from him, as ridiculous as it sounds, but those looks he was shooting.. well, you wouldn't believe but Harry can be scary at times, trust me. But, yeah, Liam wasn't about to get lost anytime soon and then, before there could possibly be a fight, something hit Niall on the back out of a sudden. I'm serious, it looked like there was ceiling crashing down or summat! ...but it was just Louis jumping on him and thinking it was funny..." Zayn sighs loudly at that. "But apart from Niall, he was the only one to think so, because suddenly both Harry and Liam stopped caring about each other and only wanted to kill Louis this time." 

"Well, yeah, indeed, I did want to kill you, Lou." says Harry a bit apologetic with a shrug. 

"I did want to kill you two too, you silly, you think why I jumped on him like that? I only wanted his attention to be stolen from you lots!" 

"Well, yeah, it worked like... about five seconds, but whatever." Zayn continues. "So then you were all on that overprotective and jealous mode and did shit during the competition. Just like me, not good enough. And like Niall, who actually did great, but for some reason still... And then they put as together and Niall was so happy and you... God, I didn't know what to do or say because you were all weird, but you wouldn't even look at me, too busy with glaring at each other. Well... only until Niall welcomed me saying I would fit in there and he would happily take care of me cause I was hot." 

"He did say that" Liam jumps in nodding his head vigorously. "That you were hot, that is, he did." He confirms eagerly and Zayn almost laughs at how eager and honest he sounds. 

"Yeah, he did. But then you wanted to kill me as well. Or actually maybe even killing _just_ me would´ve been enough." 

"Yeah, that's actually true, but only because you do look quite hot, Malik, and having you around was only making our chances decrease with every passing moment!" Louis puts in dramatically and waves his hands in an undefined gesture. 

"Let´s say we were all too eager to end each other´s lives prematurely and the feeling was on all sides mutual." Liam sums up conciliatorily. 

"Between us, that is!" Harry reminds excitedly. "But do you remember the day we've met Nick for the first time?" 

"Oh God, not him!" Louis rolls his eyes, but everybody laughs loudly at the memory. 

"Yeah, that was something entirely different. I don't think anybody actually thought of ever killing Nick." 

"I did" Louis murmurs under his breath but nobody pays it any mind. 

"It was just too hilarious to look at him struggle." Liam continues and shakes his head disbelievingly. "He tried to hit on Niall _so_ _badly_ and still thought he was being considerate! But the best came when Niall got actually bored with all of it and burst with that _'_ _why_ _don't_ _you_ _just_ _ask_ _me to_ _have_ _sex with_ _ya_ _,_ _silly_ _,_ _instead_ _of_ _tiptoeing_ _around_ _me as a_ _fucking_ _prude_ _?'._ God, I thought I was gonna die at that, and Nick surely as hell choked on his food and lost all appetite. Funny, when he realized Niall was not gonna have sex with him anyway." Liam laughs sincerely. 

"I was kinda worried he would." says Harry. 

"Perhaps _you_ would" Liam responds with a knowing look. "Or maybe rather you _did_." He corrects. 

"Eyyy" Harry whines "It was a secret!" 

"Secret, Harry? _Secret_?!" Zayn rises his eyebrows with a laugh in the same time that Louis shots him an unimpressed look almost on the edge of disgust. "Seriously, there's lots of things you could have possibly made a secret of, but this one... like, _everybody_ knew it!" 

"What do you mean _everybody_?" Harry pouts. 

"I mean precisely and literally _everybody_." 

"Okay, oh well" Harry gives in finally, still with a pouty face though. 

"We better drink some more, yeah?" Louis intervenes finally and they go along with it just like that. 

* * *

In the morning ideas from the night never seem as great as they did while drinking and Zayn reminds himself for the billionth time to never ever agree on drinking _ever_ again. Right now the light is too bright and everyone´s too hangover and he just wants to crawl under his bed and die there in peace, without that stupid boiler of a dead body cramming him into the mattress. Maybe except for when he opens his eyes a little he finds out the body is actually being Niall who apparently came back from his little trip already and decided that jumping on top of a smashed Zayn and falling asleep right then and there would be a great idea. It isn´t, but it´s Niall and therefore Zayn forgets all about moving even an inch from his current place and goes back to sleep forcing his stomach to keep calm no matter what. 

When he wakes up again he´s alone in the room and the sun is high up in the sky. He sees a huge cup of water on his nightstand along with some painkillers and a wave of gratefulness washes through his body. He gets through his morning routine straight after downing the drink with the pills, even though it´s definitely not morning anymore. The place is quiet and it takes him a while to realize where he actually is. It´s Harry´s house in Los Angeles, they have a break and Niall´s not there because he had to – ah, Niall´s back - he suddenly remembers only a second spared on the though that maybe it was just a wishful dream. Let´s be honest though, none of the other boys would have thought of leaving meds and water in his room considering they were all probably feeling similar if not worse than he himself. Besides, deep inside Zayn knows that this is Niall keeping his promise all these years, taking care of him like that long time ago he said he would. And maybe each time Zayn remembers that one particular thing, he falls in love with the irish lad a tiny bit harder. Maybe.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, merry Christmas and a Happy new year!! (well, it's already kinda past Christmas, but we're still on the Christmas break, isn't it!)  
> This chapter is kind of a filler, please don't blame me, it was absolutely necessary to make it like that and I do hope you enjoy! All love x

He thinks about friendship. How it's all come to work at some point. How from the bunch of teens who used to be at each others' throats for such stupid reasons they became proper adults with proper business at their hands. How, ever since the hiatus they have all decided on, each one of them has something of their own, while they still have a thing together. How even though they've fallen apart, they have also never been closer than they are, than right now. 

It's pretty awesome that although Harry has this 'movie star' thing going on, Louis' taken his place among X Factor judges, Liam's gone into producing, Niall and he both have decided to start their own music careers, to go solo; even though life's become pretty hectic and each of them has their own appointments, their own interviews – they can still be together like that. Chill out in Harry's mansion when things are becoming too much; when they all need to get out, hang out with friends, people who just get it whenever it's necessary, or plainly whenever it feels like doing just that. 

He remembers the day they decided they need a break. He remembers how Niall was the least willing to give up their current carrier as a boy band, being the One Direction biggest fan, fan number one, him. He remembers the last year of their recording together, the tour, how it was all becoming too much, how they wanted to get out of that, get away, stop living in each others' pockets; how Niall simply _didn't know_ what it felt like, _didn't realize_ that constant competitive mode they were always in, how they'd secretly fight who's gonna get the most of him, who's gonna last the longest. But he also _didn't know_ Zayn was secretly writing music, scribbling random lines all over his stuff, in every notebook he possessed, every piece of paper he could find – things that now are out there, because when they called it quits he was the first one to release his own album. And that's because he was long time since ready, that's because most of things he had to say, he needed to say right then and there. And Niall _didn't know_ how almost every possible thing he wanted to say was about him. But he's written a lot of music. Directed to a lot of people. Talking about a lot of things, getting out the personal stuff in the light of the day. That one most personal song he has left to himself though. 

Walking into the kitchen he is met with lads already there, Louis at the counter, Niall swinging in his chair, Harry perched on the table, Liam working his magic on the food, and it's so peaceful and so them, he sighs contently. That Liam thing though, that's a bit questionable, from what Zayn remembers, but he's now frying something that smells delicious enough not to ask any questions. Maybe he's learnt because Zayn remembers another day that went similarly peaceful. That went all nice and cosy, chill small talk and he reminds himself it was just that until it wasn't. 

"I dunno, I've always thought a guy should be able to cook, you know?" Niall said back then. "Like, I can't imagine my husband wouldn't. I mean, not sure if I'm gonna end up with a guy anyways, but – I just don't believe in this whole ´role thing´. And what's better than somebody cooking for ya when you don't feel up for it yourself, yeah?" He told them and that was probably the beginning of the whole disaster. That day Liam fought everyone until they let him into the kitchen and to make it worse he was not making tea in there. He was _cooking_. And he burned everything along with the kitchen itself, obviously. And then he cried in Louis' arms, because both Harry and Zayn were already great cooks themselves. 

"So, what's for breakfast?" He asks shaking himself off the memory. "Or is it lunch time already?" He adds confused. Niall cackles loudly. 

"It's dinner man, it's like, half past six!" He manages between the fits of giggles. Zayn scratches at the back of his neck and shrugs sheepishly. 

"Well, if so, I wouldn't know, how could I" he says at last and suddenly his memory once again takes him back, to the last time he said it, though about something entirely different and to somebody else. 

It was the middle of the night and he couldn't sleep. He wouldn't, because it felt wrong when all he wanted to do was to pack his clothes and _go_ , leave it all behind, never come back. He was sick of pretending things were not there if they were, so obviously, or the other way around for that matter. He needed distance, needed to get over it, stop comparing himself with others, stop competing, stop letting them force this ´dating Perrie´ shit on him and finally break things off with her, stop wishing Niall would suddenly fall in love with him or something similarly ridiculous. Not that loving Niall was a hardship. Loving Niall was incredulously easy and maybe that was the problem. It felt _right._ But in some twisted way, considering all of the things piling up and topping one another he felt just tired. 

And so he did pack his stuff, wrote a letter saying he was sorry and that kind of bullshit and then went all the way to the door and – and met a sad puppy eyes of Liam, who apparently couldn't sleep and came in for a cuddle. Now he thinks nobody could ever blame him for not leaving. There's no one in the whole world who could possibly resist Liam with his big puppy eyes saying "please". 

He and Liam have always been very close with each other. Liam understood him better, was a bit nerdy, especially in the beginning, just like him, liked the comic books and superheroes movies and, of course, was the best cuddler ever. And so that night they slept together and in the morning Liam helped him unpack his stuff and shred the letter into pieces. 

"If you're so sick of it, Zee" he had said first "just tell them. They'll let you break that damn engagement off, I'm sure of it and – and Niall does love you. It's really hard on us, but he does." 

"Well, if so, I wouldn't know, how could I" was Zayn's response, but he hasn't left, has he? 

"You'll see." Liam says suddenly and Zayn has to shake his head to concentrate back on the current moment, reminding himself that he's asked about food and they are here in the kitchen and whatever happened in the past is in the past, even though his feelings haven't moved one bit throughout the time. "It's my specialty though." Liam adds proudly and it's all that Zayn needs to focus back on his rumbling stomach and the delicious smell of meat. 

They keep an easily conversation from this moment on, taking the piss, pulling each others legs, talking about how it's been when they were apart and such. And then in the evening they pick a movie and settle on the way it's become a habit of them to do for a while now. Zayn on the couch with Niall's head in his lap. Harry next to him, Niall's feet in Harry's lap and then Liam in the armchair, his lap full of curled up into his side Louis, with Louis' head on his shoulder. They used to do it differently before. It used to be Zayn with Liam, Harry with Louis and Niall, then it used to be Louis with Zayn, Harry with Niall and Liam. It used to be Harry with Liam for a while too. It's never been prefect before, but it was comforting. They've always needed each other in a way but the comfort they were looking for was changing throughout the time. Zayn doesn't know if it'll ever be perfect, if there even is such a thing like "perfect" to begin with. But this right now feels the closest to it, because he knows that now after they leave it here, Harry has Nick and he believes maybe Louis has Liam and regardless of if this is what Niall wants or not, Niall has him. 

He puts his fingers in Niall's hair and plays with it slowly, the way he knows Niall loves. It's been too long since he last had the chance to do just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! x  
> Kudos, comments, thoughts are always more than welcome!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ: For the sake of the story I have decided to pretend two of Zayn's songs weren't released among the others in his first album, so don't be surprised, it's fiction after all ;)
> 
> Sorry for the wait, had it written a few days ago already, but computer access here is a privillage I can't always afford unfortunatelly, eh. Anyway, hope you enjoy! x

He's almost ready with his next album and so he has an interview coming and even though he's done a lot of them without his boys already, for a billionth time he feels as if maybe he wasn't ready to go out there alone this time again. He thinks that maybe they could make it a group interview for once. Maybe there could be an interview discussing ´post-one direction´ directions, since they never really got to that before and it sounds pretty cool in his own head if he says so himself, although it might be a matter of weed, because for some reason he finds himself smoking up in a hash-chamber that he has made of one of the rooms at Harry's place. It's just not a very good day. Or not a very good week – he doesn't know, doesn't remember how much time has passed. 

He thinks about lots of things, but, when Niall comes in, the only thought that's clear to him and almost at the tip of his tongue is the way it felt funny and easy that he could possibly kiss Niall, the other night. But he says nothing, his tongue too heavy to move an inch. And for the first few minutes Niall also doesn't say a thing. He just takes one look at the surroundings and then makes himself comfortable next to Zayn, as he has always done thus far. And when he finally says something, it's not even about Zayn's state, or the weed itself, or the upcoming interview that was on Zayn's mind what feels like ages ago. The first thing he says is stupid enough to make Zayn laugh, but maybe it's also the weed's doing, because looking at Niall's face Zayn thinks he's not even sure if he remembers what the lad's said in the first place. But then Niall just goes on, because sure he doesn't mind that one bit. 

"If the coffee was illegal, Zee, would we be doing coffee shots in a basement and then share extremely sober thoughts about the universe?" He goes. "You think there's a magic power that goes with the illegalness of a substance?" And when Zayn only laughs and laughs, and can't bring himself to respond again, he nods to himself and adds with all the seriousness he can possibly muster "I think yes, don't say there isn't. It'd be some very cool thoughts though, I reckon." 

And just like that all the weight that was slowly settling deep inside his heart disappears immediately as if nothing was ever bothering him in the first place and he thinks he was wrong. Kissing Niall won't change a thing, will it? And maybe he's said that out loud, because Niall is watching him intently with this funny look in his eyes and then he says "No, 'course it won't" and he hears how his own breath catches in his throat in surprise and then another unexpected laugh escapes his lips as he leans in startled, thinking it _is_ funny and easy. 

The kiss is not hectic, not rushed. It's slow the way his mind is right now, full of tenderness. And then Niall's hands touch his cheeks and he pulls him in even closer and _closer_ and then suddenly he finds himself being crushed and crammed into the mattress with the weight of Niall's whole body on top of him and it's sort of perfect and he doesn't want to ever move from his spot under this wonderful Irish fella that's got him so bad. And maybe his hands go under Niall's t-shirt and maybe even though they are practically smashed together into one he still feels as if they weren't quite close enough, and maybe he doesn't know how to breathe anymore or how to _think_ , but that doesn't matter, because it's sort of everything he's ever dreamed of and he wouldn't have it any other way. It's so easy to fall in with Niall's simplicity and he just takes it in and breathes with it until his mind becomes clear and steady like the beat of Niall's heart. Until he can breathe again without thinking of breathing. Easily. 

And maybe he is high. 

* * *

He doesn't remember ever bringing it up but apparently he's told Niall about his idea of doing the post-one direction interview, because when he enters the living room the very next day everything is already discussed and approved and Liam is just wrapping up the phone call and nodding at them encouragingly with a wide smile on his face. 

"Done. We're set up for the next Monday, think you can manage that, guys? Not too busy with your extremely full schedules?" He teases with a smirk. 

"So, we're actually doing that, aren't we" Zayn breathes overwhelmed and Niall just grins squeezing at his shoulder playfully and then jumping onto Liam as if he was 15 years old for one more day. 

So whatever has been promised him before was true. Kissing Niall hasn't change a single thing in the world. 

* * *

The next week rolls around faster than anyone could have suspected. They go from catching up with each others' lives to playing FIFA and wrestling on the couch like they remember from the good old times, then to going out, drinking, stumbling out one bar in another bar, singing on top of their lungs all the good old songs they were through together, then some more. They have a great time. Have almost forgotten why did they split in the first place. It feels ridiculous when you're together, happy and drunk. 

Drunk Zayn remembers another night though. Remembers Louis asking an already smashed Niall for a dance and then dancing with him the way that got them all on edge. On edge of lust, sadness, anger, whatever worked for each of them. He remembers he got hard that night watching his friends and he didn't even feel bad about it. What he did feel bad about was Harry who that night was the saddest drunk possible, beyond wasted and beyond crushed, crying into his shoulder. What he did feel bad about was also a very angry Liam, who at some point had had enough and punched Louis in the face. Not to anyone's surprise in the morning Niall remembered mostly... nothing. And when he asked about the bruise under Louis' eye, the poor boy said he remembered just as much. 

They are now in another club, goofing around again, but maybe in some different ways, and Zayn thinks they have matured enough not to cause any drama this time. His knees bump into Niall's one thousand times too many and there's that soft song that's playing on repeat in his head over and over again despite the loud music that surrounds them. He finally has a name for that song. He thinks he'll call it ´dRuNk´, that one personal song that he's kept to himself thus far. 

* * *

When the day of the interview finally comes, Zayn is high. He doesn't remember why, but what he does remember is that in that thoughtful state of mind he thought if Liam entered the room he was smoking up in, he'd probably be a bit disappointed and giving him lectures about how unhealthy for his lungs it is first, but then he'd maybe find it funny and wonder how smoking weed before the interview could affect their carriers and what kind of hilarious thoughts Zayn might want to share when asked a question. Then he thought if Harry entered the room he'd probably be worried, asking if anything happened and offering cuddles first, but then he'd probably start to also worry if he wouldn't get high on accident too, if he stayed in the room for too long. Not that he wouldn't like to get high, just maybe not this particular day. Then he thought if Louis entered the room he'd be immediately pissed off, because how could Zayn ever even think of getting high alone and not invite him to share a puff. None of that happened. 

The stupid conclusion that he had at last though was that it'd look pitiful to anyone who'd enter the room was it not Niall. And he thought was it Niall, it'd be cool. No questions asked and no questions needed. 

This is exactly what happened. It _was_ Niall. And so when the interview rolled around, he might have not sobered enough to handle himself out in public.     

All in all according to Zayn the interview goes funny if nothing else, but that's not much of a surprise and the rest of the guys goes with it pretending nothing's out of the ordinary, because it kind of really isn't. Liam just tries his best to avoid letting him talk for too long and that might've been a bit annoying if not for the distraction of Niall's fingers digging into his sides from time to time, reminding him constantly it's not the camera attention he really craves. And maybe Louis is shooting them these weird looks whenever he catches a glimpse of their hands squeezed together behind Harry's back, but Zayn doesn't bother figuring out what he might have forgotten about that makes Louis look at them like that. 

They're asked about music that they are currently recording, each of them separately, and if they can share anything about the new songs that are yet to be released and if it is very different to be working on it alone, to write your own stuff and so on. They are asked how are they doing, living separately and how it feels to have such a reunion and if there are any particular things that they want to share. 

There's a moment when they are talking about Niall's, Liam's and Zayn's solo careers when suddenly Zayn wants to tell them about this song that's stuck in his mind for a while now, that he's found a name for just a short while back and so he just starts talking before anyone can stop him and maybe he won't think it was such a good of an idea when he's clear but - 

"There's that thing I've written quite a while ago, but it's been bugging me especially recently, during this last week, and like, wouldn't leave my mind, ya know?" He says thoughtfully. "S'about this really special relation, this – this – I can't even say – this dizzy feeling we share – Because that's kinda how it feels, being with them, like, and it's the most personal I've ever gotten, trust me, it's overwhelming, like – I called it plainly ¨dRuNk¨, yeah? Cause he's – " and that's when Liam jumps in alarmed and it's still too late for those who were listening carefully but it's early enough to say it was just an unintentional slip and blame it on Zayn's not really good state. Because Zayn is not out. None of them is out. And Liam thinks it's not the way he'd like the whole _coming out_ thing to go. 

"Zayn you didn't even tell us you had a new song!" he yells in fake indignation, just to cover up for the stupid mistake. It's true Zayn hasn't told them though. He hasn't even planned on doing so to be honest and here he was talking about it to the whole world. "Anyway," Liam continues "I think what Zayn is trying to say here is that there's loads of really personal things we're talking about in our music right now. We've all grown up and kind of went separate ways and that changes a lot – changes the way we sing, the sound and stuff but also the way we share things – we want it to be true, personal, to talk about our real feelings, we want to discuss real problems and so on." 

"That's true" Harry pipes in, recovering from the impact of Zayn's slip up. " There's that song called ¨rEaR vIeW¨ that Zayn's showed us a while back and it's really such an amazing song, but also the most personal I have ever seen him. He's bringing up things that reach very deep into his heart, opens wounds that are often still bleeding and, honestly this is the best thing I have ever heard and I can promise you that you might definitely want to hear that." He says. 

After that it goes rather smooth but when they come back home there are already too many speculations all over the internet saying that Zayn looked kinda drugged or that Louis seemed distracted and all too many #ZiallIsReal hashtags, people asking if anyone else have noticed that Zayn and Niall were holding hands in the back, or if the slip up wasn't a hint that the song's about Niall, or if the song will be even released after all and such. There are also some Nouis and Zouis speculations, deliberating on some conspiracy theories, talking about how Louis was jealous of either Zayn or Niall and then there is that #LiamSavesTheDay thing going on when he opens his twitter, and his high has already worn off quite a while ago, but he's too tired to think of it all anyway and so he just wants to sleep, forget about his mates possibly being mad for his recklessness and about it being all deserved and right. So finally he does just that, walking straight up to his bed and falling face first on the mattress, his second last thought being of Niall's warm body pressed to his back without his merit and the last one being "Liam did save the day."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Kudos and comments make me really happy!! x


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, hope you had an awesome Christmas break and greeted New Year without any unpleasant happenings following. Here's the next one coming, it might be a little short, but I just wanted to use my final bit of the computer access in your favour so I decided to post it like that. Really hope you'll like it! ;)

Being clear and sober things don't look as tempting and easy as they did with a cotton candy feeling in his head, but there's no doubt that after starting the storm around his new song he can't really withdraw from releasing it after all. There are too many fans begging to hear it and too many speculations and for a short while Zayn did consider changing it or telling the fans it is too personal to be released, but it took him one look in the easy twinkling blue eyes to know he won't ever do that. 

"I think it's high time." He says looking at Niall, searching for his eyes again, despite directing it equally to him as to the others. They are in Harry's living room, everyone settled casually on the floor or some piece of furniture here or there. It's almost the end of their time together, appointments all over the world calling each of them in their own direction once again. 

Niall nods his head in agreement though everyone else seems to have no clue what they are talking about. 

"With the song coming it'll be easier. Think s'the best timing anyway. You're on your own and already dropped a hint here and there, shouldn't be much of a surprise now." He says. 

"Hint about what" Louis snaps with the question written on both Harry's and Liam's faces as well. 

"Wanna come out." Zayn shrugs finally. "It was long coming, feels stupid to still hold out with it as if it was a big deal or anything. Especially after the last interview, which, well, I'm really sorry about that." He adds sheepishly. 

"Zayn, that's awesome!" Liam cheers breaking into a wide grin at the same time as Louis murmurs something grumpily. 

"We're gonna support you Zayn, of course." Harry nods solemnly and Zayn thinks it's that, but then Louis looks at him with mild hurt in his eyes and so he thinks maybe it is not. 

"So. You and Niall, huh?" He asks quietly and that has everyone's heads snap in his direction. 

For a second there Zayn finds himself speechless. He now remembers what his high self forgot about before – he remembers now that he's not the only one in love here. He doesn't know what to say because he's never discussed it with Niall but also he doesn't know what to say to avoid hurting someone else in the process although, looking at the expressions on the other guys faces, he probably already did hurt them anyway. 

"Zayn and me what" Niall's voice breaks through suddenly, giving him the courage to finally say something. 

"We're not sleeping toge- well, technically we do, but we're not shagging if that's what you're a-" 

"We might though." Niall fills in helpfully and Zayn's voice catches in his throat leaving them in a dead silence. "What?" Niall asks with a shrug. "We don't have to, if you don't want." He shrugs again looking a tad bit confused but not even a little bit bothered.  

"I do, if Zayn doesn't!" Liam shouts eagerly and it takes only that for everyone to burst into laughing. 

"Niall, you can't just -" Zayn tries with his face red but not able to stop the startled laugh that's still making him choke on his words. "Casually like that -" 

"You thought -" Harry gasps trying to catch some air "thought he'd say no to – to _that_?!" 

"Jesus, Liam, I'll fuck you if that's what you're after!" Louis yells above their laughter and Zayn might be imagining things but maybe both their faces become a shade of pink darker than they were before that comment and once more during these days Zayn thinks maybe there's a chance of something.. Sometime. 

* * *

For this interview Zayn rings up Nick and asks for his presence specifically, because he doesn't want some random journalist asking him all the wrong questions and pushing in all the wrong places. He likes casual and a good laugh and he wants someone familiar to get him through this and who better than an already outed radio presenter? Because yes, it's known for a fact now, that Nick Grimshaw is gay and that'll make it so much easier, won't it. 

He's already back at his flat since a week or maybe four (five, possibly?), who'd count the days? It doesn't really matter when Niall's not around. He's been in and out, in and out, but then he got lost somewhere, wouldn't respond to Zayn's texts for a day or two, wouldn't pick up his phone in the middle of the night, like he used to, then he would call at half three in the morning the next day saying "I've been sleeping you know?" And that'd be that. 

They see each other often enough and Zayn doesn't think much of it. 

With Nick it goes smooth. He gets it out easily and it's in a ´no big deal, I'm discussing weather right now´ kind of way. Because he's bi, and what? Only means there's an open gate for guys too this time around and that should make it so much better if anything. Or maybe not, actually, because when Nick asks if that means he stands a chance he responds with a "Sorry mate, honest, I might be kind of taken, yeah?" And it should scare him the way he's said it, because, again, Niall and him never discussed stuff, but then he remembers Niall saying there _might_ be something more and he breathes easily again, because the whole ´loving Niall´ really is a no big deal at all. It's easy, never been easier with anything in his life. And so when Nick asks who's the lucky guy _or_ lady, he just shrugs nonchalantly and doesn't hesitate to say "Not breaking that news just yet, but he's the best that's happened to me, like, ever and my single, ´dRuNk´, the one that's so widely discussed right now is about him, because this is how it feels, loving him, being in love with him, I mean, it's a drunk feeling, honestly man, there's nothing more accurate to say." 

"Wow, that sounds pretty serious!" Grimmy exclaims raising his eyebrows in surprise. "Look at that ladies and gentlemen, what a sneaky bastard, our Zayn, being in all serious relationship and hiding it from us for that long!" He lets out a startled chuckle. 

"Well, not _that_ long, technically, but yeah, it feels like forever, kinda? I mean, I don't remember ever not loving him, so." Zayn shrugs again and Nick lets out a whistle and it's really all thanks to his kindness (and insight knowledge maybe) that he doesn't push it further, doesn't flow with the speculations that are all over the internet anyway. Zayn is kind of grateful for that. 

From there on it's only a matter of a good wrap up, which Nick is obviously very good at, and he does it with the song, because it's been released a few days back (and already hit the number #1 in charts)  and then Zayn's back in his flat, exhausted but happy and pleased with himself, slipping off his shoes, switching on the light in the hallway but not really looking around, walking into the kitchen with his eyes almost closed because it's evening and he just wants his bed already, but a cup of tea before and maybe a toast would really do. He doesn't think much, doesn't dwell on whatever was said and whether Niall would listen to it or not, whether he remembered or got lost somewhere again. So maybe it should surprise him a bit more when it turns out his kitchen is not empty and there's already food on the table, but it really does not, because then there are familiar arms wrapping around his body very tightly and an all too familiar scent of his favourite person in the world that fills his nostrils instantly right after. 

"I love you too, you know that, yeah?" Is the first thing that leaves Niall's mouth and only then it really hits Zayn what he's told Nick _and_ a whole lot of an audience before. He lets himself have a whole three seconds of a freakout before he tightens his arms around Niall's small body and lets out a quiet hum. 

"I know." He says finally, because it doesn't need to be complicated. It is _Niall_ after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments make me really happy!! x


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